Insanity

My lovely husband is very stressed out! He has no fuse, just calm one minute and monster mode the next. What happened? Is usually my first comment when this switch occurs. Upon his answer I usually roll my eyes or tell him to calm down. Doesn't much matter- it doesn't work and I don't think he is listening to my words or body language.
I am fed up with it!
It is making me go crazy!
I've watched this slow progression from happy guy to MR. Mean Mood over the course of a year. It just so happened to begin as we canceled his gym membership and kept traveling for work.
I cannot make the traveling part lessen- although I wish I could! But, I can "find" money to get him back to the gym.
So, I have decided that I rather be poor than pissed off and unhappy by Mr. Mean Moody.
Thus, I am getting online and signing him up. He can freely work out his mean mood at the gym.
Otherwise, I might need to follow through with one of my threats and actually cut the crotches out of his underwear. The thought of this makes me laugh every time!
But, helpful is not exactly what that act would lend to.
5 minutes later...
I signed him up, printed out his enrollment sheet and sent him out to the gym.
I hope this doesn't backfire!

More info of no importance

I have one husband, two sons and no patience!
The only way for me to get through my day is with coffee, wine or chocolate and all three make me ill- it's a sad existence. Unfortunately I don't have the necessary means to run to Prada or Target for that matter, every time I get pissy so caffeine is usually the key. Yes, it does make me sick. No, I can't quit it.
Breath, relax, take some time for yourself, make sure you get 7-8 hours of devoted sleep every night, drink plenty of water, smile, count your blessings blah, blah, blah this marriage and kids thing is hard! I don't really get a chance to do any of those things listed above, and I love to complain about it.
No, I don't want sympathy. I do love to hear empathic stories, aside from that I just like to bitch about it. It's how I cope and move on.
My truly great friends now how to have a good bitchfest as well as how to have a good time. I just wish they were present more often...but who has time for that with busy families and work?
I am fully aware that this is just apart of life, and it is ever changing. But, the amount of comedy I get from the frustrating days, at least after the day is over, is generally what keeps me going after the caffeine.
Today, my oldest didn't really have he right attitude before school so I stuck him in his AC/DC shirt and golf hate-at least he is dressing the part now.
My toddler drank half my iced pumpkin spice beverage of choice even though it isn't fall yet, while I was in the shower. Great, that is what I need a jumpy 2 year old with a caffeine buzz. Currently, he is slapping his leg while eating a banana- it's freakin' comedy!
Yes, I should have gotten up earlier to take my shower but I couldn't because that 7 hours of sleep I so desperately needed got taken away in the middle by a loud screaming sleeper, the same one who drank half my damn coffee today. Poor baby for the bad dream, but seconds later he was quietly asleep again and I was left with 3.5 hours of good sleep and 3.5 hours of worthless, not going to make you feel rested sleep.
Cupcakes after school today- why not?
I will need to clean the house at some point-grr. Husband is flying home tonight to not hear the waking children, not get up early enough to take the oldest to school and certainly not clean up after himself...ahh, I miss him during the week.

Tomorrows highlight: I chose a school that has coffee for the parents every Friday with pumpkin bars this week!!!!! Downfall, no kids allowed. Maybe, I can scoop up the big one and run out of the house before the husband figures out I have left the little one behind for him to watch while in one of several work meetings he will have over the course of the day. Hmmm. Maybe that will work. Hmmm. Maybe not, he tends to figure out my moves before I get them accomplished. Especially if he reads this.

Is Mother's Day over yet?

Now, most of us look forward to a day of pampering and mommy bliss. Queen for the day. But, we settle for whatever little creations our kids come up with and husbands remember.
My dad is not going so well. It isn't even lunch time yet and I'm pretty done with the day! My husband is on his way home from a trip. So, I am already a parent down. But, I decided to take the kids to breakfast-bagels, morning smoothies and coffee for mommy. I should have known that it wouldn't go right or even decent. It was definitely a mommy morning. Mommy rushing around, mommy getting dirty, mommy getting frazzled. No pampering!
This morning it decided to rain, putting a slight cramp in my vision. Eating our breakfast outside was not going to happen. After the bagel shop (and minor melt down by the preschooler) we walked 2 doors down to get Jamba Juice. That went pretty well, except for the toddler dashing out to the fountain in front of the plaza. Next, mommy's coffee.

The line in Starbucks was HUGE! I sat the kids down to drink their juice and eat their bagel while I stood in line for white chocolate coffee bliss! For the first 2 minutes, all was well. Then the toddler dug in to our bag, grabbed my bagel and dropped it out of the wax wrap onto the floor. As you can guess the shmear hit the floor.
Some woman jumped up to clean the floor and my bagel since I was in line. I left the line, I gathered my boys and bagels and hit the road. Well, not before she said she was helping because I was in line- mental smack. I wasn't giving up on my bagel so we went back and got myself a new one.
As we got in the car and loaded the toddler in his carseat, my preschooler started to laugh?
"What?"
"Your jacket?"
"What, I can't see-tell mommy!"
"You have cream cheese by your hood." Hehehehehe
Ahhh!

I get in the car, drive to a drive-thru Starbucks and get relief!
When we get home, I unpack kids, wash up and do a load of laundry.
I turn to tell the toddler not to go outside(my laundry is in my garage and have to step outside to enter the garage) and I slip on the water- smack my fingers on the door and hit my knee.
I am loving this day!!!
I guess I should have realized that just because it is Mother's Day I shouldn't really expect to get what I want or think I can pull everything off.
No husband, no warm bagel, doing chores, busy boy stuff that never goes right, I want to cry!
So, I called my mom! Thank goodness for moms!
Later today, dinner with the family at my uncles. I look forward- to help!
Happy Mother's Day!

Mommy Monday

Back again to Monday, in which I have renamed as Mommy Monday in the hope that I can reclaim another day of the week as a semi weekend day. We do mommy things- stay in our pajamas, not clean and just enjoy our day without taking it too seriously.
Today, it is Monday, but I can't claim it's very mommy friendly.
6am wake up by toddler,
7:30 I actually had to get out of bed and feed the boys.
I was in a good mood and I saw this as a positive in our day, aside from the early rise.
Make breakfast, get the boys back to playing and then enjoy my own cup of coffee.
Made a bowl of cereal for myself and my cup of java. Eat cereal and received...
"Mommy need you" by the toddler.
That led me to build a track with the kids so they could play and I could continue to drink my coffee. Microwaved the coffee 1st time.
Before I could get the coffee the boys shelves fell on each other and I had to screw them back into place, clean up the mess and organize the shelves again- with fewer things.
And then my coffee went back into the microwave for a 2nd time.
I took the recyclables out, took some items to the garage and returned to the kitchen to not get my coffee but clean the counter tops and sweep really quickly. Wrong about the quickly part. There was a snail crossing the floor. What the hell? Where did that come from? Ick! I tried to sweep it out and it got stuck in the track. After five minutes I finally got it back into the garden- I don't think it survived but I tried. 30 more seconds for the coffee- it exploded- I cleaned that up- technically this was the coffees 3rd time being microwaved.
On the way back to the room, I stopped in the playroom to turn off the light and feed the fish. Simple, but of course not, 1 of the 3 fish had died. It was swimming last night...so I grabbed the fish took it to the boys to say good-bye and flushed it.
Back to the microwave...time number 4.
Time 10:30am. Recap: make breakfast for boys, make train tracks, fix fallen shelves, clean playroom, take out recycling, sweep and clean counters, remove snail, feed fish, dispose of a fish, and microwave my coffee 4times before getting to drink it all. Not mommy Monday- mommy fix it day maybe, or just another day in our house. I don't think I can regain the lazy day as I have been bothered for hot chocolate and graham crackers 2 times while writing this, had to stop the toddler from taking down all the video game pieces and fix a ripped birthday card. Ugh!

Waking up

How do you wake up??
There are so many ways to wake up: kids giving you hugs, snuggling with you, the sun peeking through your window, kids playing nicely in the other room, even the alarm going off.

My day began in a different way.

Morning:
This morning I got hit in the temple with a dinosaur. This is not one of my acceptable forms of being woken up.

Mid-morning:
Dropped off papers for kiddo's school registration and the toddler yelled so ferociously when we attempted and then actually left, that the outdoor hallways were echoing with cries. Everyone stopped to take a look and I'm pretty sure the director took notes. *For future reference sibling is not allowed to attend for fear of staff and student hearing and sanity loss.

Afternoon:
Grocery shopping, we enter, kiddo hangs on the side, toddler in the seat up front while I am grabbing strawberries when I turn to see...the cart falling! The kiddo was still hanging on and the toddler was about to slam his head into the tile over concrete flooring and he couldn't get out. We were in the 1st of 2 stores and we had been there for less than 2 minutes! Safe but scared we ended up getting our shopping done with only one kiddo time-out in the dairy section, kiddo dropping one of the tasting foods in the aisle, toddler screaming because he didn't want to share the water and allowing an elderly person to cut in front of us without running over her heels or bumping her in the butt.

Evening:
As I was getting my kiddo out of his bath my little one walks in chewing, but on what? I asked him to spit it into my hand. He did and what did I get but melting chocolate and bright yellow aluminum foil. Then he ran away. Grrr! He took a bite of one of the Easter chocolates I bought for his cousin- he bit right through the foil! What a little chocolate ball! He had only been out of the bathroom for minutes.

****Last night they went to bed late because of being at my parents, woke up at the usual time, they had no nap and were dealing with errands for several hours in a row--I was testing the fates and came out alive but just barely!

Trip Away

So while we were away visiting friends a mommy moment occurred. Really, when don't mommy moments occur?
3 boys between the ages of 3&6 were using the same bathroom as my family, including one of those 3 boys. And while I was putting on my makeup one little boy used the potty in a hurry and peed all over the place, then tried to leave before flushing, and washing hands.
Very shortly after this, our hostess came in to use the bathroom (note: it is a two piece bathroom toilet and sinks are separated via a door) and was appalled! I kept my mouth shut! She called for all 3 boys to come to the toilet- only 2 came, mine included and I was happy because I knew what was about to happen. Although, the mess maker himself didn't come to listen- the others were told how to pee and what to do when they miss. Now, I let my son be privilege to this because, although this exact incident was not his fault I'm sure at some point on this visit it was/will be and at home it is a constant issue. I wanted him to get this speech from somebody else. I thought he might listen! She told them home to keep their stream in the toilet and if they miss to get one of the cleaner wipes and clean it up.
Well he did. He listened and took it to heart so much so that when our hostess was home he refused to go potty by himself and threw some crazy tantrums based on his feelings. This was a little price to pay for the gift I received when we returned home.
Back from a trip to Target-I purchased some non-toxic eco-wipes for the bathroom and went over how and why we use them. Since then, I have had a new bathroom cleaner. His shot has been perfected and he finds any excuse to use the cleaning wipes. I can't strand the smell of urine in the bathroom-if your not peeing the smell shouldn't be there! FINALLY! There is someone else helping me to eliminate it- the tiny tinkler himself.

Night Crawler

After a long day driving home I got the car unpacked, the kids settled and the into bed. After all the caffeine wore off sleep finally took over and bliss set in.
At least for an hour, then I woke to a disturbance.
I heard a plastic or acrylic sound being moved about just feet away from my bedroom window.
I startled away and froze. I don't really want to know what is out there. The desire to protect my kids took over and I grabbed the curtain open.
No moon, street light or glasses in sight so my vision was impaired. Was I really seeing something?
And then...his head titled down, mask and all and I knew exactly what was going on.
Like a frantic warrior I began to pelt my window as if it was capable of shooting out pellets.
I was angry and half asleep. With a wild rage I went off.
"Get out of my garden" I yelled as I wildly rapped on my window, damn raccoon!
Neighborhood animals were awake, my baby was crawling in my bed and the animal leaped off into one of my trees. And back to sleep I went.

New Year Cleaning

I decided to make clean up for New Years. This place is a wreck- we are too much, too big, too all over the place for this pad.
I made some goals for the beginning off the year:

1. Clean the carpets in the living room, playroom and hallway

2. Reorganize the playroom so the boys can get to all of their toys without asking for help or getting bonked on the head from falling art supplies. This includes removing the closet doors to expose that area, getting cubbies for larger toys and donating 4 trash bags full of toys. Yes, 4 bags of good toys. I said we have too much stuff! The boys share a small room so they can have a small room of toys or else they would be sleeping on a mound of toys and clothes.

3. Steam cleaning the tile in the bathrooms and linoleum in the kitchen.

4. Undecorating the house and putting the tree on the curb for recycling.

5. Donating 4 bags of toys, 1 baby tub full of toys, 5 bags of clothing to charity.

6. Getting rid of an old car seat.

Not in that order

1. I was going to clean the carpets while the boys were at my grandmothers house- she ended getting very sick so I put them in my bed with cartoons at bedtime and moved furniture, vacuumed, cleaned the carpets. 9-11pm. The toddler got out of bed 1/2 dozen times, at least. The boys didn't go to sleep until I was done and sent them to their rooms.
Now, in the day, there are some spots that weren't there before I decided to clean the carpets. Hopefully, I'll get them next time because I am not about to do that again today!

2. I'm about 1/2 done organizing their room. i stopped for nap time and the idea of doing it again today- makes me tired!

3. Can't steam clean if I don't borrow the machine from mom- still need to do that one of these days...

4. Of course I undecorated- I needed to to get the carpets cleaned. And, of course i forgot to put away something in the kitchen that now won't fit in the box.

5. Maybe I should can the charity truck to come here?

6. I don't even now how to get rid of an old car seat!

So far, I'm not really there with my goals but 1 down is surprising!

Working from home

What I think is going on in my husbands mind.

Day 1- Working from home
A perfect working environment.
Calm
Peaceful
Dressed for success in sweat pants, stained t-shirt and slippers.
And calm and peaceful goes out the window 5 minutes before you waking- the exact time the kids start slapping my face and jumping up and down on our bed.
8 am conference call- lock myself in the bedroom and the kids morning laughter and running feet stay at bay.
10 am conference call-the kids are louder and are being shooed across the house.
12:30- boss calls- kids are yelling, screaming and crying. My call will be undisturbed in my car, in my driveway. I don't look awkward sitting in my car, in my pajamas in my driveway talking to myself in 40 degree weather.
This can't keep up- I am the king of this house.

Day 2-
Pajamas,
Look busy so kids don't bother me today because if they do I'm going to snap!
9:30 conference call- kids being kids are loud- backyard is somewhat quieter but freezing.
1:30 meeting- house is too loud so...
"Liz CAN YOU HELP, I NEED TO BE ON THE PHONE, CAN YOU DO SOMETHING!"
2:00 shower, change, run an errand.
Get home look busy.

Day 3-
Give me a break! IT'S TOO DAMN LOUD IN HERE. GO PLAY OUTSIDE. LIZ!!
WORK, COMPLAIN, WORK, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, tired of kids and work. Why isn't Liz doing everything, and quieter, and faster and neater and why is she complaining at me, I do remember you just don't tell me, damn kids, I need to work from work tomorrow.

Day 4-Assigned to a project for a few days in another state-finally a break!

SIck Baby

Bad enough is the pain stacking issue of treating a sick child. Especially when life goes on around you and including having a healthy kid and husband go on with their regular days. It makes sleeping impossible and smiling a ridiculous notion.
I turn into the beast formerly known as mommy.
Right now our toddler is CRANKY!

He just goes around saying "mama" on repeat in a shrill voice and every 15 seconds throwing an object for emphasis. Obviously inept at deciphering a sick child's screeching desires I just stare, try to get him to be quiet then give up. Eventually, if I stop looking at him he will go away or get really, REALLY loud.

How can I have patience after getting 4 hours of sleep the previous night , with about 45 minutes of those being in a rocking chair, rocking. Argh! Then last night waking up every hour to tell him to stop hitting my face or trying to stick his fingers in my mouth- why should he be the only one with a contagious virus?

This morning while trying to get some sleep- since I'm not getting any at night- the crying, whining, uncomfortably ill toddler snuggles up with me while drinking his only source of nutrition and then suddenly and without malice he spews the contents of his mouth and stomach into my hair and on my bare neck.

...I smell like nutrient shake and warmness. My hair looks like a mangled mess in one bunch to the top of my head. Like a a birds nest perched on my head. So now what? I can't jump up and shower. I can't stand to shower while that little ick thing is crying his head off so I just go one with clump hair.

At least all I have to get done today is...return items to the library, go to the pharmacy, buy more Lysol antibacterial wipes, clean house for party tomorrow, shower, do several loads of laundry, call mom, get some actual work done -sewing and inventory-, make dinner, clean backyard, cry, scream, melt down, drink wine, deal with sick baby, play with healthy child and not give up on life--NOT MUCH!

Shower

Quiet, calm and clean. I enter my warm shower, my mind wanders as my body gets to relax. I think of it as a spa- I breath and relish in the tranquility.

Within moments along the shower curtain I sense something.

Long fingers, one by one grasp the curtain and slowly move it back a tad. Then more, until one eye is visible. I look into the eye and then a whole face emerges, looking at me longingly yet solemn. Quiet and calm are about to escape the shower, the bathroom and perhaps the whole house.

Get out of mommies shower! I yell.

Shrill yells begin as my toddler tries even harder to convince me that he needs to be in my shower.
"Agua" he says.
"No, its mommies shower -no water- get out."
He doesn't leave and I'm not giving in.
We go back and forth until he gets distracted by some toys I throw at him. I hope to get 5 more minutes and the water is getting cold.

He plays in a bucket of water with a squeeze toy and bottle of almost empty baby wash. He slaps the water and makes a mess all over the clean bathroom. My rug is soaked, my kid is soaked and my serene surroundings now look like a tiny tot water park.

When play time is no longer enough, he pulls back my shower curtain again and yells, while trying to lift one leg high enough to enter the tub.

"Get out!" Mommy needs to take shower by herself- leave me alone."

He cries, and cries, and because I didn't do anything about said crying he cries louder.

I haven't had a quiet, complete shower in 3 years. I'm lucky when I can remove the children from my hip long enough to get a shower in. I shouldn't be surprised.

Hairryyyyy

Let's just say that I like to be eco-friendly and do my part. In high school I found out that my favorite and fantastic deodorant/antiperspirant was testing on animals and I gave it up forever. I like to help with things that I can do without making life altering changes. I am not going to live in a tent or be hairy but really that isn't necessary. It's the little things that make large impacts.

Recently I changed from disposable razors to those with just the replaceable heads being disposable (instead of the arm and razor) so I can lessen the landfill impact or use less water and oil for creation or re-creation.
Little change but it could reduce my waste and really not change my lifestyle too much.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Pivoting razors don't like my body. It doesn't work for me- I ended up looking like Bigfoots prettier sister.

Some how I noticed one day that there were long airs under my pits. What! I started shaving when I was 9, long before I needed to just to avoid this! And someone did notice- my hubby on fact said "I thought you were trying something new" eco-friendly natural sunscreen is trying something new, but being hairy is a whole other dedication. How do you not say something? Just an FYI even.

From that point on I stared while shaving until my eyes went cross and then shaved some more. The only way my pivoting razor would get the hair was to shave my skin off- ouch!

Next, camping where showering isn't a priority but still was done. After 2 days on the beaches in a swimsuit and 2 showers with shaving (lucky to get in this family especially when camping) and then one at home - I spied a disaster! In the car sitting cross legged waiting for the hubby to take our family somewhere- I studied my legs and found...the backs of my legs had hair on them. Not stubble, not ultra fine blond 'hair' (which I don't even get since I have dark hair and think my family must be the connection to modern man and the missing link)but chubby 6 year old hairy legs. Yikes! Are you kidding me- what the hell was the razor doing while going up and down my legs with soap, water and at times shaving cream- dancing? It was working about as well as shaving with the cap on.


Forget it- I will change some other thing in my life but at this point I am destined to buy disposable razors again. And I did! And now my legs are soft, smooth and look like I shaved rather than starting my winter coat.

WWWHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

0k, really- the thing is I am pretty tired of being a diaper changer/mess cleaner. Somehow, I don't think my boys are ready to hear that though.
When should I broach the subject?

Yesterday at the mere idea of dirty diapers and needing to see 0 of them, the baby pooped. The poop was so bad that...when I removed him from his booster seat in the kitchen it began to ooze out of his shorts and down his leg and hubby had to remove the seat and hose it down in the yard. Gross!
I ran into the bedroom with baby held as far away from me and my arms reach could go, I even though about stretching first, but it didn't help. After I removed his offensive clothing and diapers it was everywhere.

I put him in the shower and began cleaning the clothing when what did I notice...my shirt was dirty too! Ahh,eww and yuck! Hubby comes in to check on gross baby and says: "You have crap on your arm."
I leave the children and dart after him scaring him with my poop covered torso.

So, after all is said and cleaned how do I let this family know I'm tired of dealing with the poo and that we all need to move on? I mean the baby is 15 months old already- come on have some decency. He's practically an adult, really.

Sick time

It seems to me that I am not allowed to have fun without my kids or I pay the price of...getting sick and being alone said children.
Toddler is sick, preschooler is well into recovery and me- I get sick too! Unfortunately, small children do not like to rest, just whine!
So here I am day two of being dizzy and nauseous all day with a screamer and a 'tired of being inside-er.' I can't rest but am tired over not sleeping all night dealing with the the screaming baby. He kicked, screamed, pulled hair and hacked up his lungs all night. Poor baby and poor me!
Life doesn't stop- so to get better I kept making myself tea, homemade chicken soup for all and cleaned the windows, swept the floors, vacuumed tortilla chip and cracker crumbs, put toys away, changed diapers, made breakfast, wash dishes that didn't fit into the dishwasher, unloaded the dishwasher and forced the baby to take a nap and the preschooler to rest so I could grab a cat nap.
This didn't help one bit!! I was so sick and tired that by the time my hubby got home I burst out into tears.
His response:"What's the problem with you?"
Really "What's the problem?" I'M SICK Motherfucker! But, I didn't really say that-just cried more and gave him a hug that wasn't returned!!!
I even got stuck with dirty diaper duty. Then had to clean the kitchen after dinner.
Don't I ever get a break.
Wait... I did and am convinced that enjoying myself with friends and no children led to this sickness-damn circle of pain.

Poop, Poop and more POOP!

Funny how my job is 1/4 poop cleaning and 3/4 everything else. It really is gross. Like today for instance we were eating lunch and the baby pooped. And with face still red, pooped again. The I ran him into his room and onto the changing table but it was too late. Poop was oozing out the slides of his diaper and down his legs to his feet. He was wearing pants and a bodysuit so- he also got lathered in poop as I tried to gently remove the encased pants and bodysuit.

I immediately cleaned his as best I could and stuck him in the shower. Then I proceeded to rinse the poop out of his clothing in my bathroom sink. Chunks got stuck in my drain- um ...excuse me- but I think someone forgot to call Hazmat? Do I get hazard pay for this? Someone, hello?

This comes a few days after doing the boys wash. While putting their clothes in the dryer I noticed they smelled like poop. Back in the wash they went and this time no smell. The load of laundry following went in and no problems- as I was removing the clothing a sock got stuck in the outer ring. I yanked it out and found...two pieces of washed poop. Someone must have had an accident and ditched the underwear before telling mommy. Those clever three year olds- always making life easier for mommy.

Ohh- I need some long yellow eco friendly cleaning clothes and a whole lot of eco cleanser and some bleach and maybe a maid, a remodel and moving- this is disgusting.

I need a whole to recover in...

How can so much happen in one day? Well apparently all you need is to be me and my household.
My toe is still throbbing after breaking in while off camping. No big deal as long as I get some ibuprofen and a couple of glasses of wine. So this makes it difficult at 11am while trying to feed the kids and get the preschooler off to school. But, I suck it up and move on.
Shortly after I drop off my preschooler I get rear ended by an uninsured motorist and for some reason, some how our registration etc. is in an big white envelope...at home!
Great, wait around and get no help beautiful! The entire time the baby is trying to run out into traffic, my toes is trying to double in size and I am supposed to be on a call. So exciting.
I finally get readjusted, am so behind in camping cleaning but we all made it home. I get a call to interview and cannot find anyone to watch the rug rats while I'm gone. Like I need motivation not weasel out of working outside the home. I rather get my business running but my husband has this weird fascination with having enough money to get the business running and keep the kids fed, rent paid etc.
Later that evening my mom figures to someone to babysit the kids- problems solved, the day is looking up. Hubby comes home, kids are fed and are being put in the shower. There we are all in the bathroom withe the monkey in the shower and the toddler trying to get in. Monkey doesn't want the toddler in and they begin fighting about it. Bam! Before our eyes but not seeing anything the monkey falls, hits his chin on the tub wall and splits it open.
So 3 year old Monkey and I are back in the ER for 3 hours getting 3 stitches. We are there so late that he calms down, plays and falls asleep after his stitches while I was still waiting for paper work. I said back because the cracked arm of his a couple of months ago.
Next time Daddy is taking him to the ER, I don't want CPS called because of my little dare devil.
So, the lesson plan and work I needed to do for the interview- pushed off, dinner doesn't get eaten, sleep needed. As soon as I get home baby wakes up crying and is up not allowing me to eat a full snack. Thanks.
This morning the baby drops the remote on my broken toe, the monkey won't eat and I still haven't written my lesson plan for my interview in 4 hours.
But, I'm still hoping for good luck...
while typing this blog my toddler pooped through his diaper and pj's, down his leg, and touched it. Yum. While cleaning him a raisin fell out of his dirty diaper- would that be a raisin from breakfast or a digested poop covered raisin??????
I need a hole to crawl into and recover and have a coffee. And by coffee I mean tequila.

Seriously- Can I have a minute?

Everyday -all the time same old same old-feed, clean, drive around, entertain, feed, change, bathe, cook, etc. etc.
I nag about not having time to myself.
I nag to my husband who will never get it.
I nag to my children who don't even know what I am saying.
I complain about not getting time to myself-
Monday I spent the entire day attached to my baby. Well he was attached to me and by baby I mean whining 1 year old. That high pitched whine that makes you want to jump off of a high rise onto busy Manhattan streets just to escape the noise.

*Probably the same way my husband feels about my nagging- but I have to share the wealth- right?*

The baby whined in front of me each time I had to go to the bathroom, while playing outside, while I was on the phone with my grandmother, in the car, in the play room, taking brother to preschool, you name it he did it-ALL day.
When I turned on my only sense of escape- my shower- I jumped in and there he was pulling back my curtain whining trying to get in head first.
"Give mommy a break, it's my shower" I heard myself shouting at him.
That lead to full blown crying, which lead to me picking him up and letting him join my shower. So annoying. My shower is sacred- it's the place where my brain actually works correctly and I think through things that need to get done.
Instead the baby stayed too close to me so I couldn't stand without falling. I would scoot him over and he would crawl back and whine.
Which lead to:
"STOP THE DAMN WHINING!"
Cry, cry, cry- bad mom, worst shower ever, picked him up, put him down, he huddled on the floor of the shower like a turtle.
I ended up shaving outside the shower with him slapping my ankles and unrolling my entire toilet roll.

Really- just 1 shower- is that so difficult.

With my husband working locally for a few weeks he comes home ever night- helpful or?
So when the husband got home what happened? I tried to hand the kids over but it only lasted 2 minutes. I expected him to bathe the kids and put them to bed- he put 1 to bed and left to the gym. Great if I needed half help. It's not like I was going to take that time for a 15 minutes break or anything (God forbid) just going to clean the dinner mess and fold laundry.

Maybe I never get a break and my family recognizes that I should and will surprise me with a 2 week escape on a island with no phones or children? Maybe!
Or just 1 shower in peace! Maybe?

The stink

The heat has left our house with the most foul smell that we cannot place. Our guesses- dead thing somewhere, garbage can from hell or mystery diaper. My husbands great idea was to finally take the trash out- but the smell followed and lingered en route. So, he decided to take the trash can out and hose it down. We have a front yard, we have a backyard and we have neighbors. Where does he decide to move the can... the front yard. And it's been out there all day. Do you hear banjos?

Wedding Day

Yesterday we traveled up north to a family wedding. It was already hot the moment we sat in the car (10am). We drove in relative peace, for 2 hours, (thank you God for car DVD players and portable food/ sippy cups). The wedding was beautiful, the guests were friendly, the bar was open. My boys, both dirty blond and gorgeous were all over the place, but with so much family around it was not so bad. My sister in law kept my monkey busy by asking him to go on walks with her throughout the hall- in which everyone asked if he was her son (she's blond and gorgeous so it's understandable). When she would take the baby, same question. Never once when I had the children did anyone ever ask if they were mine. Odd? (Let's just say I'm not blond...). Even when we were together- they asked her. Yeah, I could've ditched the kids with her and pretended that I still a young newlywed without kids. Wait- why didn't I do that?

Oh Crap!

Again today, poop was to set the mood of our day.
After breakfast I took the baby for a diaper change. I put my hand inside the waist of his pants to ease them off his overfilled self when something felt warm and squishy. What ever could it be? I removed clump hand of poop. So disgusting. Why does this always happen? Last night I gave him a bath- this is an immediate flag for a poop catastrophe for the following day. But, I need to bathe the kid sometime.
It got all over his pants, legs and socks. It some how missed his onesie entirely. How is this possible?
Next thing I new he was kicking his legs up and his hands were smattered with crap. Every time he moved he got more crap on his hands, legs and socks. I couldn't keep up or figure out how it was happening. I even soiled the wipes container trying to get him clean quickly.
I cleaned him, undressed him and took him to my shower.
I dried him and wrapped him in a towel and set back to his room.
When we got to the changing table it was still spotted with poo. So, trying to keep the clean baby clean I quickly wiped down the changing table before setting him down.
I thought all was well- the poop flinging was over. That is when my monkey stands between my room and theirs points to the floor and says, "Look Mommy there's gigantic dinosaur poop on the floor." I had to do a double take. I slowly sauntered up to the blob of crap on the floor. Yes, indeed-y my baby made a gigantic dinosaur poop. But how did it get on the floor by the door? Was it stuck to him on the way to the room from the kitchen? From the shower? It just didn't make any sense. The changing table is 5 steps away from the door- how did it hold on so long? Was I touching it? It's like a barn this house. I just need some hay to scatter on the floor. It might save me some time on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor. And with our carpet- fibers are already falling out by walking on it- it totally loves a scrubbing.
And at the opposite side of our day- no more poo accidents. But, that hay would have come in handy. My sister was in the living room, my mom holding the baby and pacing through our small house, I in the boys room getting their clothes ready for tomorrow and the monkey sitting in my bed waiting for his breathing treatment. I heard him talking about medicine and yell to him to wait for me- knowing that he can't get to it on his own. When I got in there I didn't notice anything until after his treatment had begun.
I walk to my bathroom to throw away a container and ...cross a lake of baby Tylenol. On my sink an empty container of his brothers medicine. He attempted to take it as his own- luckily he spilled it before he could add it to his machine. I thought I had tightened it and set it far enough back so it was out for reach. I was very wrong. So, again I was on my hands and knees scrubbing up carpet. I couldn't believe the little man had done that- he had the right timing- there were essentially 3 sets of 'mommy like' eyes on him and we all missed it. What a gigantic dinosaur poop!