TiVo - to love it is to be selfish and to hate it is useless

I love and hate my TiVo's. Yes, Tivo's because you can't just have one. Families are torn apart over who is aloud to record their show. Tivo makes people selfish. Perfectly sane, intelligent, giving people, selfish. Why and how? Well I don't rightly know. Except for the notion of power. Power and control of the remote even when your at work, the grocery store, or on the toilet. My family craves power so you can probably figure out that there is some level of tension surronding the television.

After 3 nights away my lovable Ape returns home and quickly turns from "happy to be home" to "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" when one of his shows had not been fully recorded. It was a shock to the system. I stay at home and deal with the terrible two year old and his incredibly hungry brother in a house that never stays clean. I didn't and don't really need another whininng voice from within. It was outrageous. It's just a show, right? Wrong. I didn't kiss his feet - but deep down I felt his pain.

Are you kidding me?

When people see a stressed out women with a screaming baby and a very "hands-e" toddler walking their way what do they think? Gee, I should try to squeeze next to them and give the mother a dirty look or say "Um, thanks" as the the already overdone mom tries to move the stroller to the side of a one person wide aisle while the toddler is shucking all the shelving items to the ground. Are you kidding me- get the fuck out of the way! Don't judge me, I'm just trying to stay alive. Unless you can tell me exactly what will make my 2 year old not act like a 2 year old don't dish out advice or comments. He's 2 and very active, I get it.

But I still need to get out and, lets say go grocery shopping, put gas in the car, go to the doctor, get the car tuned up, buy gifts, eat, pay bills and go for walks. I can't just lock the kids in the house and get everything magically done. To all those that dislike kids- parents dislike you and we train our children to be obnoxious when you're around. It's something we practice as a family. I suggest that you just get out of our way.

And... Thank you for not spawning.

Pots & Pans

Ahh! All I need is 1 freakin' pan!
I'm in the middle of cooking my dinner, wrangling the monkey, and warming up his favorite chicken nuggets, as well as keeping the peanut entertained and unloading the dishwasher. I should be able to get out the necessary pot, pan and corresponding lids with ease or at least without too much frustration. But, No. For some reason the Ape thinks that shoving in all the pots and pans until the door can barely stay closed is the best way to handle putting away the dishes. What is so damn difficult about stacking the pots, pans and lids. That way I can easily get to the one I need with out creating an orchestra of claps that have the peanuts eyes popping out of his little round head and hearing the monkey saying "Mommy, what you doing?" on repeat.

I just want a fucking pan!!! This kitchen is the size of a thimble, so it must be organized damn it! I don't have time for this shit!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Of course I reorg'd it and like last time I'm sure the Ape will complain about it, then I'll get pissy and subsequently forget it all. 2 weeks later I will no doubt reorg. something else and start the whole process over again. It's like deja vu with the sippy cup storage, the kids dishes, our utensils, food, everything.

But, honestly time is off the essence when the two year old is talking louder than a jet plane and the baby's "feed me" timer is ticking.

2a.m.

2am love affair. Well it was not quite 2am. And really it was a far cry from a love affair. It was me being startled awake by someone talking- a little two year old someone. I hopped up out of bed and went to his aid. We actually conversed as if it was 10 am not 2. I ended up laying on his bed, laying my head down where my feet belong, and the monkey jumped right there too. I began falling asleep and he was out. I turned to lay on the correct side with my head on the pillow- minutes later he joined , covered himself with the sheet and out he was again. At least this is what I thought. I tip toed over to my room, my big comfy bed and my squishy pillows. Moments later I was out- a flicker of noise reappeared -was it a mouse, the tv, an infant- Oh my! Nope. My bed was no longer the wonderland of slumber I had left. Now it was a bed of two and the little one snores. 3 hours later the little one was up and ready for his turn to come to my bed and take it hostage. At least he can't talk or walk in while I'm asleep to scare the shit out of me like the monkey does. All in do time though, I know, all in do time.

This event led to a morning cup of hot and an afternoon iced coffee. This did NOT do the trick.
I'm fading quick.

Blogging

So this is what "mommyhood" has come to: ranting about the stark raving mad thoughts of me and my pod family. Not only that, but they let me spew this nonsensical "stuff" from my bed at half past dawn for free! Just like I say when things take too long to describe or explain to my 2 and a half year old: "It's magic!"

Every item I write, every typed letter or thought that crosses my mind happens when I'm half asleep. Why? Because, I'm always half asleep. I'm so serious that I couldn't even put the damn explanation mark after "asleep." It's serious. I haven't gone through one night in two years five months without waking up at least twice during the night. By waking up I mean searching for a pacifier in two different rooms, filling a glass with water, getting medicine, changing diapers, checking the front of the house for weird noises, trying to shut the snoring off, changing sheets, checking temperatures, reading the baby bible of care taking to soothe my soul in stead of calling 911 over gas, bringing baby to bed, taking toddler out of my bed and of course there are 100 more things that keep me up at night. Notice not once did I mention wild passionate love making, crazy hot sex or even snuggling. Apparently, there isn't time for that. There is too much not sleeping going on. It's a horrible affliction that apparently comes with the graceful, clean, relaxing, healthy, self absorbed job of child rearing.

I do this all for my wonderful family: an Ape, a monkey, a peanut, and me an angel who is in dire need of a margarita, pedicure and Gucci.

My Ape: I'm married to a guy who thinks standing up is strenuous, especially if the television is on. To add to that he travels during the week for work. He is gone, lets just say, um ALL THE TIME.

In addition I have two boys (Monkey and Peanut)- one on the teet and a two year old who can't hear the sound level of his own voice. He is so freakin loud all the time. He has now gotten into the rocker singing style of lets say, Henry Rollins. Every word he sings is guttural, with his little face turning bright purple and a pretend mic up to his mouth. At times he moves it closer and further away- has he been to a concert? There must be some toddler MTV or Fuse network I'm not aware of on the TV front. Man I'm old. I just want him to play with blocks.

Me, well I'm fat and I'm a mommy with a part time husband and a very loooooooooooowwwwwww bank account. It's a pleasure. I can honestly say I never dreamt of such a future.

Well, my time is up. This is the end of tonights blog. Hopefully, I'll get some sleep. Realistically I'm already thinkg about my morning cup of coffee.