Is it the universe playing tricks on the lonely anxiety ridden mom traveling from one state to another with small, screaming children? It is my full belief that going to the grocery store is small stress test and traveling alone with them is... well like getting a pap smear after a car accident on a day when your checking account gets over drawn-all with a infant and toddler's rendition of "The Immigrant song" in the back ground- it sucks.
But, this is something I did with pleasure- sort of. It was my idea to go visit a dear friend. I thought we could commiserate. Although we did, there was far more than I anticipated going on- but that is another story, damn kids.
The drive there was a dream. The toddler ate the healthy packed snacks I made. The infant slept the entire way. Slower cars pulled out of my way. I drank just the right amount of caffeine to get to my destination. Well, the only snafu was pulling over on the side of the road- while the kids were sleeping- to pee without other travelers watching, but at least I had the beautiful El Dorado National forest views as my magazine.
But, the law of odds is easy one way - the hell the other. I know that is the fluffy way of putting it but I do love my kids.
We chose the same route, I feed the kids, I packed the car, I left the friends and we were set to go. Well, we made two minor stops on our route coffee and gasoline. In that 1.2 minute drive the baby was whaling like I had starved him for a week. So, I pumped gas and feed him the first bottle of the trip. The bottle I was hoping would be for a mid point or never like the way there. I did start feeding him in the coffee drive through and that just seemed to tease him. But, lucky for me the barista / cashier heard all the hollering and just felt the need to make a comment. The people of this small town love to comment- but like I said that's another story.
We were set and now 4 miles out of town the baby began to cry and cry and cry for 10 miles, we we're back in our own state before he fell asleep and I wasn't going to stop for anything.
This was the set up for the rest of the trip.
A car hit a dead raccoon which set it flying into my front end- I screamed- the toddler screamed from a sleep state and cried some nonsense for 5 minutes.
A big rig tire snapped, caught wind, slid under my rear passenger tire and scared the shit out of me. It made a very loud popping sound and then shout out behind the car like a feather in a wind storm.
We ate at a McDonald's in Stockton with no baby changing station and country music playing on the radio.
The baby cried all the way down 680. ALL THE WAY DOWN 680. All 32.3 miles of it- he cried and shrieked and cried.
I never got to hear the new song the dj's were talking about.
The house was 92 degrees when we got inside.
This is what a: pap smear, car accident, negative checking account, baby rendition of Led Zeppelin is like -ah does this count as vacation?
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Just Shut Up!!!
Every one of my days is stress filled. I am anxious with every outing, every nap time, every phone call, dinner time etc. I am anxious about the reactions of the children and others around. Usually we get settled in and that feeling flees. This was not the case today.
Today we were going to go to the State Fair and I was driving. We waited for daddy to get home and baby to be feed then we were off. Earlier in the day the kids and I had made our way over to that area. So, I knew the general direction. But, since I am so crappy with directions I also had my handy dandy satellite navigation system.
Now we all know the great thing about having a navigational system in the car with you is that it tells you what to do. It talks so you must listen to hear your next steps. This is how it gets the information legally to you- really nice and easy. Great, I was driving and my navigation was talking and I felt good about it all, especially since we had been in that area earlier in the day. My outing anxiety should have been relatively low to non existent. But, it WASN'T. No, apparently my earlier route and my navigation system had nothing on my husband (to be referred to as my Ape from this point forward). So as the navigation dinged and spoke, he spoke, the baby was whimpering and the toddler singing really loudly into his hand as if it was a microphone. Oh, and lets not leave out the mediocre 80's rock playing in the background. At his point-just 1.2 miles from our start- I just wanted to shout from the top of my lungs: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
The voice of reason settled and I said nothing. Finally, the Ape told the toddler to be quiet because this was a time that mommy needed to listen. That was a prime example of: those that can't teach-and I should know right. And he gave me another driving direction right after the system gave it to me. I had it! Really- you don't find this odd you freak'n managing maniac. I have my own set of hearing ears- jackass. In a normal voice, I think, I finally told him "...that is what I have this for" and patted the navigation system.
This is way I have the anxiety.
Today we were going to go to the State Fair and I was driving. We waited for daddy to get home and baby to be feed then we were off. Earlier in the day the kids and I had made our way over to that area. So, I knew the general direction. But, since I am so crappy with directions I also had my handy dandy satellite navigation system.
Now we all know the great thing about having a navigational system in the car with you is that it tells you what to do. It talks so you must listen to hear your next steps. This is how it gets the information legally to you- really nice and easy. Great, I was driving and my navigation was talking and I felt good about it all, especially since we had been in that area earlier in the day. My outing anxiety should have been relatively low to non existent. But, it WASN'T. No, apparently my earlier route and my navigation system had nothing on my husband (to be referred to as my Ape from this point forward). So as the navigation dinged and spoke, he spoke, the baby was whimpering and the toddler singing really loudly into his hand as if it was a microphone. Oh, and lets not leave out the mediocre 80's rock playing in the background. At his point-just 1.2 miles from our start- I just wanted to shout from the top of my lungs: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
The voice of reason settled and I said nothing. Finally, the Ape told the toddler to be quiet because this was a time that mommy needed to listen. That was a prime example of: those that can't teach-and I should know right. And he gave me another driving direction right after the system gave it to me. I had it! Really- you don't find this odd you freak'n managing maniac. I have my own set of hearing ears- jackass. In a normal voice, I think, I finally told him "...that is what I have this for" and patted the navigation system.
This is way I have the anxiety.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Vacation time
Cook
Clean
Do laundry
Put the kids down
Feed the kids
Clean the kids
Buy diapers
Fill time before doing the afore mentioned activities.
The difference so far between vacation and every other day:
-Cramped sleeping quarters- all in one room, all in one bed
-Lack of toys to keep kids busy so I can go to the bathroom without asking for help
-Toiletries in a bag on a counter
Why is it deemed vacation time? I'm assuming that one of the troop members that isn't doing the above or bothered by the above may be enjoying themselves. This leaves only two possibilities: toddler and baby. And everyone has seen toddlers tantrum more on the road than in their own environment.
So, inevitably everyone is presuming I would caption a photo memorializing the trip with something like:
"The baby is having a great time on this family trip. We wish to do it again next...never." August 2008
The photo would have the baby smiling or making a cooing face in the foreground while the toddler was on the floor in full tantrum mode, dad in the back left with shoulders slouched, eyes squinted and eyebrows furrowed, while I was in the right back pulling out my hair with mouth wide open, eyes popping out and stains down my shirt.
Yes, vacation season has begun. Help me!
Clean
Do laundry
Put the kids down
Feed the kids
Clean the kids
Buy diapers
Fill time before doing the afore mentioned activities.
The difference so far between vacation and every other day:
-Cramped sleeping quarters- all in one room, all in one bed
-Lack of toys to keep kids busy so I can go to the bathroom without asking for help
-Toiletries in a bag on a counter
Why is it deemed vacation time? I'm assuming that one of the troop members that isn't doing the above or bothered by the above may be enjoying themselves. This leaves only two possibilities: toddler and baby. And everyone has seen toddlers tantrum more on the road than in their own environment.
So, inevitably everyone is presuming I would caption a photo memorializing the trip with something like:
"The baby is having a great time on this family trip. We wish to do it again next...never." August 2008
The photo would have the baby smiling or making a cooing face in the foreground while the toddler was on the floor in full tantrum mode, dad in the back left with shoulders slouched, eyes squinted and eyebrows furrowed, while I was in the right back pulling out my hair with mouth wide open, eyes popping out and stains down my shirt.
Yes, vacation season has begun. Help me!
Monday, August 11, 2008
My Bed Time Routine
*Put kids down to bed
*Clean kitchen
*Pick up around the living room
*Get ready for bed
Check-now its my turn to relax.
I pop in an episode of a series I'm making my way through, lay in bed and
a monkey starts to cry. I pause my show...10 minutes later I'm back and I'm interested. Half way through the show the monkey pops into my room and I throw him into my bed. He is to sleep and I am to pretend he is not there and continue with my show.
My down time is now mommy watch take two. Even God took a break. I suspect.
I continue on to another episode- put the monkey back in his own bed and I now am too tired to watch anything. I fall into a deep sleep of waking up every 5 minutes. Some many hours later a monkey climbs into my bed. Less than an hour later the peanut goes off like a siren. Soon my bed becomes a haven for three- one who needs to be there and two that can't except that they shouldn't.
*Clean kitchen
*Pick up around the living room
*Get ready for bed
Check-now its my turn to relax.
I pop in an episode of a series I'm making my way through, lay in bed and
a monkey starts to cry. I pause my show...10 minutes later I'm back and I'm interested. Half way through the show the monkey pops into my room and I throw him into my bed. He is to sleep and I am to pretend he is not there and continue with my show.
My down time is now mommy watch take two. Even God took a break. I suspect.
I continue on to another episode- put the monkey back in his own bed and I now am too tired to watch anything. I fall into a deep sleep of waking up every 5 minutes. Some many hours later a monkey climbs into my bed. Less than an hour later the peanut goes off like a siren. Soon my bed becomes a haven for three- one who needs to be there and two that can't except that they shouldn't.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
I do everything?
Today the Ape went to work and I went over to my parents. He worked, I put the kids down for their nap. He returned to the house, and it was a blaze with activity. It was the usual. Then he got crazy, crazy grouchy. He didn’t want the kids to make noise while he watched television. He also didn’t want the Monkey to watch shows but wouldn’t play with him. He wanted everyone to freeze while he hurried up and finished his show so we could go. Does this seem a bit unrealistic- perhaps. Truly the angst was building, but as soon as kids needed to get in their car seats and wife needed to put shoes on the Apes face seemed to change color but why? We ended up going to the grocery store and his aggravation gained momentum. With what is unclear but, man he turned into a beast. We came home, dropped the groceries in the kitchen and played with the kids in the front yard and garage. There must have been a faint and swift wave of normalcy that came over him to indulge the kids.
For some reason, bugs, our little monkey prefers to play in the front yard, lawn chairs included. The garage door was open and we ended up in there, I was cleaning and he was looking for a charger. This charger is necessary to recharge the monkey’s toy ride-on lawnmower. The child wanted to play on the lawnmower toy and so the Ape thought he’d better get it to work. This would be a fun activity to observe and stay relatively inactive so I was on board.
However, this illustrious charger proved to be missing in action. Of course this mysteriously missing charger must be unattainable because someone touched it. Who could possibly touch something so important as a charger???? Well, by the Apes tone of voice, tightened shoulders and lowered eyes in my direction, he must have assumed that I touched the charger. How could this be? Well it is true that I am the only one to clean and put things away. I am also the only one who never ever has charged, unplugged or knows the difference between the charger and any other plug in the garage. I try to avoid this area of task work, so I leave something for the man to do. But, I didn’t receive any praise.
I know I’m the mom but really I don’t actually know where EVERYTHING has been placed. Are you serious? Obviously, the Ape put the damn charger somewhere and cannot remember where he put it. Why should I be blamed? Together we cleaned the garage about a month ago- a forgotten point on his part. I pointed and he pitched. He knew what he needed, I just knew what I didn’t. All signs led to his fault. He ranted for 20 minutes looking for this damn thing. The monkey had lost all of his desire to play with the toy- he was off trying to make a train out of a scooter and two wire baskets. The child is far more reasonable then his father, at times.
The next day he found a cheap replacement for the afore mentioned charger. He was beaten- by his own memory loss. Did he ever apologize- no. Nor did he remember anymore than the day before. Apparently, one has the right to be an asshole when they lose a necessary component to their child’s happiness, especially when said item can be easily replaced. His grouchiness over took his sensibility- wait that can’t be right – he lacks that. His grouchiness took over the ability to have fun with his kids, in the front yard on lawn chairs. I mean, what is this world coming to when you can’t enjoy a hot afternoon playing white trash while your neighbors look on? I mean really!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Driving: Do you know how???
Okay, I should get a grip but does aaaaanyone pay attention to what roads are and what they are used for??? Or cars and the general rules? Is it too much to ask to pay the fuck attention! I mean people are crazy today. I went to the park with the baby to exercise my butt off and when I returned the car behind me was so close I could barely open the hatch to get the stroller in. Opening and closing required that I be on the curb and close it from the side. When you park behind a car whose trunk opens out you should make sure that they can open it. This is not a difficult task. Just common sense.
This means I was now sandwiched between a Mercedes and a CR-V. When I left the car I was behind a Smartcar and nobody was behind me because nobody was supposed to be behind me- there's a driveway there!!!! It took me 3 minutes to get the car out of the spot without hitting anything, with a screaming baby and the Mercedes lady watching it all-JUST MOVE THE FUCKING CAR. Obviously, she was too busy watching and bitching to her friend. And then to come over and check her car- did you hear me hit it? Did you see me hit it eagle eyes? By the way your alarm didn't go off so you don't need to beep it!
But, did the fun end there? No, of course not, I was 3.4 miles away from home - Next, people crossing the street. Not in a cross walk, but around a blind spot 10 feet away. And they look at me. Why? I was going the posted speed- the damn sign was above their heads. Ok, that one I should be used to but I was already pissy.
Next up runners!!!!! As I was approaching my neck of the woods, two women coming jogging out of their court, one at a time, on the street, and decided to turn toward me, while I'm moving. Were they going to run into my vehicle? Is this a new form of chicken or were these chicks just idiots? I was beyond stunned. Everyone must have their damn road/vehicle brains shut off.
This means I was now sandwiched between a Mercedes and a CR-V. When I left the car I was behind a Smartcar and nobody was behind me because nobody was supposed to be behind me- there's a driveway there!!!! It took me 3 minutes to get the car out of the spot without hitting anything, with a screaming baby and the Mercedes lady watching it all-JUST MOVE THE FUCKING CAR. Obviously, she was too busy watching and bitching to her friend. And then to come over and check her car- did you hear me hit it? Did you see me hit it eagle eyes? By the way your alarm didn't go off so you don't need to beep it!
But, did the fun end there? No, of course not, I was 3.4 miles away from home - Next, people crossing the street. Not in a cross walk, but around a blind spot 10 feet away. And they look at me. Why? I was going the posted speed- the damn sign was above their heads. Ok, that one I should be used to but I was already pissy.
Next up runners!!!!! As I was approaching my neck of the woods, two women coming jogging out of their court, one at a time, on the street, and decided to turn toward me, while I'm moving. Were they going to run into my vehicle? Is this a new form of chicken or were these chicks just idiots? I was beyond stunned. Everyone must have their damn road/vehicle brains shut off.
Holding My Breath
When you have your first child you seem to hold your breath for a long time worrying about the "what if's" that accompany newborns. What if he gets sick? How will I know what to do? Is this normal? Why is this so hard? By the time you start to figure things out and feel good about parenthood, a new phase begins and you need to re-adjust and learn all over again. But, you take the past experiences as wisdom to help you move forward.
Well with baby number two I am holding my breath again, this time for different reasons. I know the answers or know what to do to get them. I know when the crying is going to stop, I know why he is hungry all the time, and I'm ready for it all. This time I'm holding my breath because I'm ready to move forward. I want baby number two to be a baby for awhile. I want him to get the attention he needs, while his brother is distracted, but I NEED to be myself again.
I'm holding my breath waiting for my kids to grow up enough so I can enjoy my husband again, clean my house in under 8 hours while guest are over, sleep without a stuffed monkey thrown on my face, get my nails done with out a shrieking phone call, drink a margarita with friends, stop and smell the flowers while still have petals attached to them and not my carpet and go through my days without rushing around.
This weekend was a big step toward breathing again. My ape softened to a gentle giant and watched the kids for a few hours while I just frittered the afternoon away. And the next day we took the baby's co-sleeper out of our room. It's next destination: our garage until yard sale day '09. I think my chest is starting to loosen up a little. I don't want my little guys to be teenagers tomorrow. I just would like them to be old enough so I don't have to worry about either one of them while I'm away. Of course while I was out, I rushed about thinking I had kids to deal with or hurry home to and relaxing didn't kick in until it was almost time to leave. Obviously, getting accustomed to breathing again will take some time.
Well with baby number two I am holding my breath again, this time for different reasons. I know the answers or know what to do to get them. I know when the crying is going to stop, I know why he is hungry all the time, and I'm ready for it all. This time I'm holding my breath because I'm ready to move forward. I want baby number two to be a baby for awhile. I want him to get the attention he needs, while his brother is distracted, but I NEED to be myself again.
I'm holding my breath waiting for my kids to grow up enough so I can enjoy my husband again, clean my house in under 8 hours while guest are over, sleep without a stuffed monkey thrown on my face, get my nails done with out a shrieking phone call, drink a margarita with friends, stop and smell the flowers while still have petals attached to them and not my carpet and go through my days without rushing around.
This weekend was a big step toward breathing again. My ape softened to a gentle giant and watched the kids for a few hours while I just frittered the afternoon away. And the next day we took the baby's co-sleeper out of our room. It's next destination: our garage until yard sale day '09. I think my chest is starting to loosen up a little. I don't want my little guys to be teenagers tomorrow. I just would like them to be old enough so I don't have to worry about either one of them while I'm away. Of course while I was out, I rushed about thinking I had kids to deal with or hurry home to and relaxing didn't kick in until it was almost time to leave. Obviously, getting accustomed to breathing again will take some time.
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