Seriously- Can I have a minute?

Everyday -all the time same old same old-feed, clean, drive around, entertain, feed, change, bathe, cook, etc. etc.
I nag about not having time to myself.
I nag to my husband who will never get it.
I nag to my children who don't even know what I am saying.
I complain about not getting time to myself-
Monday I spent the entire day attached to my baby. Well he was attached to me and by baby I mean whining 1 year old. That high pitched whine that makes you want to jump off of a high rise onto busy Manhattan streets just to escape the noise.

*Probably the same way my husband feels about my nagging- but I have to share the wealth- right?*

The baby whined in front of me each time I had to go to the bathroom, while playing outside, while I was on the phone with my grandmother, in the car, in the play room, taking brother to preschool, you name it he did it-ALL day.
When I turned on my only sense of escape- my shower- I jumped in and there he was pulling back my curtain whining trying to get in head first.
"Give mommy a break, it's my shower" I heard myself shouting at him.
That lead to full blown crying, which lead to me picking him up and letting him join my shower. So annoying. My shower is sacred- it's the place where my brain actually works correctly and I think through things that need to get done.
Instead the baby stayed too close to me so I couldn't stand without falling. I would scoot him over and he would crawl back and whine.
Which lead to:
"STOP THE DAMN WHINING!"
Cry, cry, cry- bad mom, worst shower ever, picked him up, put him down, he huddled on the floor of the shower like a turtle.
I ended up shaving outside the shower with him slapping my ankles and unrolling my entire toilet roll.

Really- just 1 shower- is that so difficult.

With my husband working locally for a few weeks he comes home ever night- helpful or?
So when the husband got home what happened? I tried to hand the kids over but it only lasted 2 minutes. I expected him to bathe the kids and put them to bed- he put 1 to bed and left to the gym. Great if I needed half help. It's not like I was going to take that time for a 15 minutes break or anything (God forbid) just going to clean the dinner mess and fold laundry.

Maybe I never get a break and my family recognizes that I should and will surprise me with a 2 week escape on a island with no phones or children? Maybe!
Or just 1 shower in peace! Maybe?

Blogging

So this is what "mommyhood" has come to: ranting about the stark raving mad thoughts of me and my pod family. Not only that, but they let me spew this nonsensical "stuff" from my bed at half past dawn for free! Just like I say when things take too long to describe or explain to my 2 and a half year old: "It's magic!"

Every item I write, every typed letter or thought that crosses my mind happens when I'm half asleep. Why? Because, I'm always half asleep. I'm so serious that I couldn't even put the damn explanation mark after "asleep." It's serious. I haven't gone through one night in two years five months without waking up at least twice during the night. By waking up I mean searching for a pacifier in two different rooms, filling a glass with water, getting medicine, changing diapers, checking the front of the house for weird noises, trying to shut the snoring off, changing sheets, checking temperatures, reading the baby bible of care taking to soothe my soul in stead of calling 911 over gas, bringing baby to bed, taking toddler out of my bed and of course there are 100 more things that keep me up at night. Notice not once did I mention wild passionate love making, crazy hot sex or even snuggling. Apparently, there isn't time for that. There is too much not sleeping going on. It's a horrible affliction that apparently comes with the graceful, clean, relaxing, healthy, self absorbed job of child rearing.

I do this all for my wonderful family: an Ape, a monkey, a peanut, and me an angel who is in dire need of a margarita, pedicure and Gucci.

My Ape: I'm married to a guy who thinks standing up is strenuous, especially if the television is on. To add to that he travels during the week for work. He is gone, lets just say, um ALL THE TIME.

In addition I have two boys (Monkey and Peanut)- one on the teet and a two year old who can't hear the sound level of his own voice. He is so freakin loud all the time. He has now gotten into the rocker singing style of lets say, Henry Rollins. Every word he sings is guttural, with his little face turning bright purple and a pretend mic up to his mouth. At times he moves it closer and further away- has he been to a concert? There must be some toddler MTV or Fuse network I'm not aware of on the TV front. Man I'm old. I just want him to play with blocks.

Me, well I'm fat and I'm a mommy with a part time husband and a very loooooooooooowwwwwww bank account. It's a pleasure. I can honestly say I never dreamt of such a future.

Well, my time is up. This is the end of tonights blog. Hopefully, I'll get some sleep. Realistically I'm already thinkg about my morning cup of coffee.